10:18

well, whatever the time is perhaps that is my new title. i've been accustomed to it.
let me take time out of my day to say i don't understand people who beat around teh bush and don't say what they feel, especially when it comes to relationships. (you know what i mean, not friendships, but RELATIONSHIPS)

----i used to find myself, when i was younger, playing the game of cat and mouse because i enjoyed it. but where's the fun in that in the end? you waste so much time playing it that you forget the outcome and then never get what you really wanted: LOVE. sure, flirting is fun, but not when there's nothing else after it. ;).
------nowadays i find myself beginning to play the game and then slipping, saying what i realy feel, actually letting things come out that would betray my feelings to the other person. it's scary but its empowering. sometimes you're wrong. sometimes thjey really don't like you: as much as it seems like they do. so i want to say congrats to all the people who got rejected! (alright, to be honest, i didn't. but it sounds like i did. but i feel for all of you who even slightly got dumped a bit). so sorry for all of you ! :)

you'll fnid love someday.
xxx E
why are my newest posts so christian-meets-love guru like?
you tell me. or complain to me. or whatever. write about your lost relationships.

ps: i just watched a marathon of the hills. i could feel my IQ slipping by the second. :( my brain may just have melted to mush. perhaps i should watch some discovery channel network. that's always good.

11:02

im off to bed before i wake up at 6 the next morning. i hope i have some pleasant dreams and not the scary nigihtmares i've been having recently. i'm going to start keeping a dreambook, those always sounded cool.

anyways, cant write for long but just wanted to check in! check out my must-see movies list! sorry for the longn descriptions but i just can't help myself :).
i don't think i gave too much of the plot away or anything...

good night.

- E

AND THE ACADEMY AWARD GOES TO...

you know i was sitting around thinkingn today (not that i do that too often but, to be honest, i do...) and contemplating teh awards show, which always seem to make me depressed, and i realized: THEY SHOULD HAVE AWARDS SHOWS FOR OTHER THINGS THEN ACTING! like best kiss in a office situation goes to...and fun awards likek that. or most dramatic mental breakdown this year goes to...how fun would that be to have real people's lives and moments in AN AWARDS SHOW?! i mean, it'd be realistici because can we all reallyr elate to actresses? i understand that they try very hard to be relatable but honestly some of them are just too high-up-there. angelina jolie, for exp. she adopts 8 kids every second, am i supposed to idolize that? plus she takes jennifer aniston's husband during filming and "seduces" him then forces him to divorce her and make a family with ANGIE. god i hate her. sorry my contempt was not supposed to show through but i suppose my natural writing tone does that to me
anyhow, the point is these awards shows just make us sad for what we don't get: an award for everytime we do something good. well here's to say to all of you:
for all the good deeds that went unnoticed thank you! someone out there lolves you ... even if you're in your time of need know that your life WILL get better. i promise: for all you teenagers who are experiencing ANGST, for all you living the mid-life crisis, for all you stuck in a rut, for all you elderlies who don't know where to go adn just wanna kick the bucket, or for all you fifty-somethings who don't see a point to life, know that there is. it just takes time to see it. ;)

i hope i inspired someone somewhere...thanks. and know that, if no one else, i love you. well sorry to get all christiian and spiritual on you.
good night. :) watch the oscars!

life is good

before i tell my inspiring story about how i went from depressed to IMpressive...ly happy i want to make one shout out: TO THE MAKERS OF DENNY'S COMMERCIALS! what the hell is wrong with your brains? what are you smoking, more importantly? whatever it is, plz get me some. it must be great if you can make a commercial like the nanapuss one. if anyone's seen it leave comments! that nanapuss commercial is hella-weird and hella-funny, in a weird sort of "Why am i laffin at this creepy banana thing floating around with strings?" way.

alright enuff with nanapuss. today i found out teh real key to happiness: FORGETTING ABOUT YOUR TROUBLES! as hard as it seems, soemtimes i like being depressed. not in the actual "wow, being depressed is fun" kind of way. but more in the "oh, i have nothing else better to do and i look kind of detached and cool when i'm sad" way. anyways, today we were doing some sort of exercise in math and it all of a sudden came to me: THE BELL RANG! i hadn't looked at the clock once during math because i was actually entertained...wow, i know. and it was with schoolwork too! but i hadnt once thought about my ongoing depression and sadness. i'd just been normal :] and english made it all the more better. history was the best. i all together forgot my troubles and had fun. lunch was eh-so-so. no actually lunch was great because i had a heart to heart with myh best friend in the whole wide world (there are many others actualy BUT..) and we had 2 keep kicking other people out of our room but it was great. we understand each other! :) and our black mama loves us ;]. (shoutout to you-know-who)

anyways, that was good. then the cherrhy on top was the end of the day. i loved it. so thanks everyone for making this day great!
<3

AHH. life.

so ive made a new decision: to always strive to be happy. look, i'm sick of moping around. being "depressed" actually makes you mor depressed and makes everything around you look all depressing too. i've made half-hearted attempts to do this but, honestly, it hasn't really been good. im going to start tomorrow by being the happy person i know i can be! look, i've been thru this stage once before and it lasted a week and then wore off once i got into being happy again :).

anyways, i love my friends, especially one in particular who always makes me feel loved. i love you forever and ever and i don't know what i'd do without you. you know who you are. god, supportive people are the people to keep around. people who make you feel like crap should NOT be kept around. i mean, if you tell them they treat you badly and they stop then you're fine. i hate it when people like: "oh, your friends do that? oh, they're bad. just ditch them right now." im like: THEY'RE MY FRIENDS. i'm sure your friends screw up too. i don't just ditch them everytime they make one wrong move. so...this whole thing started about depression but i feel like (another expression i hate but here goes): live each day to the fullest bcuz it might be your last.

one i prefer much more:
laugh the loudest, love the hardest, live the fullest.

fuck

fuck my life sometimes. ive joined the club. i didnt think i wnated to.
but maybe i should talk about it...eventually.
one of those days
definition: the days where nothing specific goes wrong but everything goes wrong in your head, where you feel like crap but you don't know why, when you start to cry (rhyme was not intentional) in the middle of a musical practice, and when your friends all seem so distant, even though you know they really aren't. ... or maybe that's just me.

look- i'm completely messed up inside. i admit it.
but the people who don't have the balls to admit it: who live life thinking their perfect. that sux for them that when they turn 40 their whole life will fall to shreds. what i'm wondering is how to survive... being me. it's so hard sometimes!

for all you analysts out there, i challenge you to not analyze. it acutally helps alot. :)

-- well, perhaps this has given me a beter outlook on life. i don't really hate it :)